Tara and Lamaze
by Aidan1
Summary: There's a baby on board as a van nears the Nevada border. When is Buffy's baby entering the world?


Disclaimer: No character is mine. None of this would ever happen. So don't sue me.  
  
Synopsis: Buffy is pregnant. Hilarity ensues.  
  
  
  
  
  
The dust kicked up behind the minivan as the soccer-mom car sped off along the desert, apparently not quick enough for some people.  
  
"Can't this thing go faster?" Buffy screamed as she squeezed her legs together, trying to keep her little dark prince inside. Dawn knelt beside her, applying a damp cloth to her sister's forehead.  
  
"Don't worry Buff- Ow! Xander! Stop bouncing the car!" Xander turned looked at Dawn, whose position on the floor of the minivan prevented her from flouncing away. A pothole in the already sketchy road loomed ahead. The wheel turned to the right. "Oww! That felt like you aimed for it!"  
  
"Sorry, my bad. Listen," His eyes turned to the reflected image of Buffy, who seemed to be trying with all her might to hold in the child of the damned, "maybe if you hadn't decided to sleep with Riley when he came back, you wouldn't be preggos right now. And we wouldn't be going to the deserts of Nevada to-"  
  
"Gamble?" Willow asked, a glimmer of addictive personality in her eyes.  
  
"No, to perform some ritual because the baby is evil, which doesn't make sense, since you had sex with-"  
  
"Spike." Tara interjected, as she allowed her hand to be squeezed by Buffy.  
  
"No, not Spike, silly Tara, Riley. Buffy had sex with Riley." Xander smiled ignorantly.  
  
"But-" Tara began, but Buffy began to break her hand and she yielded.  
  
"Its ok, he'll just switch it away from Spike no matter what you say."  
  
"Alright. Can you let go then?"  
  
"No! I'm in pain, and somehow this is all your fault!"  
  
"How?"  
  
"I'm giving birth to a vampire's baby; this really isn't time to grill me on details!" Buffy screamed, bucked her hips in the air, and a crack was heard from Tara's hand.  
  
"Oww! Oh my Goddess!" Dawn handed her the comic book she was reading. "No thank you, Dawn. Say, would you like to hold your sister's hand?"  
  
"No thanks, I'm damp cloth girl."  
  
"Ahh, damp cloth girl. Buffy, you haven't had those in a while, have you?" Willow inquired.  
  
"Shut up you magic ho." Clutching her hand to her chest, Willow stared in shock at Buffy, whose eyes rolled around in her head as she tried to stare at her magic-fiend-friend, "Sorry, Will, it's the contractions- Ahh!" Buffy clenched down again, and Tara's mouth gapped open and closed like a fish. "Hey, that's my face you stuttering head case!" studying Tara's hurt face, she rescinded her comment, "Sorry, contractions."  
  
"They seem to come very close together," Tara groaned.  
  
"Don't worry ladies, we'll be there soon. Nothing's gonna stop us now- Oh! IHOP!" The car veered violently to the left as Xander pulled into the International House of Pancakes.  
  
"Xander!" the women cried in unison.  
  
"What? Xander needs his food. I'll waste away to nothing."  
  
"You- You're gonna have to do about a month of wasting before nothing can even be a realistic goal for you, fatty!" Buffy spat.  
  
"Hey! I- well, maybe a few pounds need to go, but-"  
  
"Whatever, funky-chunky-total-butt-monkey!" Buffy sat up in the seat, pulling Tara's body with her, forcing the witch to fall across the backseat, her head falling into Willow's lap.  
  
"I knew it! We're back!" Willow jumped up and down in her seat as Tara tried to sit up. Meanwhile, in the middle seat, Buffy wrapped her feet around Xander' s neck and began strangling him, as Dawn tried to take over the wheel of the minivan, which was never stopped and was back on the road, erratically making its way to the Nevada state line.  
  
"You stupid piece of lard! I'll kill you!" Buffy screeched, her tiny feet around Xander's wide neck.  
  
"Yum, yum, give me some, Tara!" Willow yelled, her hand on the back of her ex's head.  
  
"I don't want to die!" Xander screamed as he puffed out his neck to try and save himself.  
  
"I don't want to drive a car!" Dawn whined as she steered the car.  
  
"Shmuddlle mudloeki oppshiu" Tara mumbled through Willow's jeans. Her voice was drowned out even more by the rumble of a motorcycle, which rode parallel to the sliding door of the minivan. All commotion stopped as the Scooby Gang stared at the bike which refused to pass them or change positions at all.  
  
"What the hell?" The helmet of the rider was tossed off, and the door of the minivan was yanked open by this stranger. This rogue, this devilish-  
  
"Hey little-bit, witch-bit, addict-bit, puffy-bit and shagarific- bit, I want my baby right now, even if I have to sex it out of there with my sexy swagger!" Oh, it was Spike.  
  
"Spike?" Buffy questioned.  
  
"Spike!" Tara gasped as she lifted herself off of Willow.  
  
"Spike!" Willow said, startled, as she reached for Tara.  
  
"Dawn!" Dawn yelled, as no one in the van had mentioned her in a while.  
  
"Spike? But Riley's the father," Xander stupid-ed.  
  
"Yeah, that's right, bits, its me, Spike, the sexiest bit of sex that ever sexed sex. And look who's with me." Spike pulled back to reveal the sidecar, where, pulling of the helmet to reveal helmet hair, was Anya.  
  
"I want a divorce, Xander!"  
  
"We aren't married yet!"  
  
"Then we need to go to Vegas and-"  
  
"Buy a whore!" Willow interjected.  
  
"No, get married, so that I can then divorce you, Xander! Oh, hi Buffy. I likey your yoga exercises."  
  
"I'm having a baby!"  
  
"That's an odd name for a position."  
  
"Listen, I want the baby. You aren't magicking my only chance for a continuation of my manly manhood away!"  
  
"Fuck off, Spike!" Xander yelled as he pressed the button to close the door.  
  
"Well Bob's your uncle!"  
  
"I don't have an uncle Bob!" Xander yelled to Spike, then, looking at the rest of the group, "I don't. Really."  
  
"Um, guys…" Dawn began ominously.  
  
"What is it, Dawn?"  
  
"You aren't paying attention to me."  
  
"That is it!" Buffy throttled Xander and screamed at him, "Give me the clicker thingy, chubby!" The frightened man complied and soon the door was open again.  
  
"Ah, so I see you changed your mind, Cor baby Blimey!"  
  
"Um, no. But here's your consolation prize!" With a swift kick in the back Dawn was shoved out of the van and onto the motorcycle.  
  
"Buffy!" Willow gasped.  
  
"I don't want the mitochondria midget! I want the baby!"  
  
"Why does he want the baby? I just don't under-"  
  
"ARGGHHHH!" Another irregular contraction hit the slayer, this time causing the entire minivan to rock with her convulsions, and Tara to swing wildly around the van, slamming against the windows, seats, and people.  
  
"I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I- I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I- I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-"  
  
"Spit it out Forest Gump!" Buffy swung her right arm forward and Tara collapsed in the front passenger seat.  
  
"Let me go you bleached blonde bone-breaking bitch! At least when Glory broke my damn hand she made me crazy so I wouldn't notice it!" Tara struggled to free herself, but her strength was not nearly that of a slayer in labor.  
  
"Let her go, Buffy! I'm the spirit, you can hold my hand." Willow shot her pale hand towards her best friend's left. Buffy took it and gripped down as another contraction hit.  
  
"Spirit? You're just a pathetic magic addict who can't even have a normal relationship with ANYONE!"  
  
"Owwee.. Can you hold- Owww- You can hold Tara's hand now." Willow thrashed about trying to liberate her jittery, cracked hand. "I want magic!"  
  
"I want my friends back!"  
  
"I want IHOP!" Xander attempted to turn the car around, but a kick to the back of the seat kept him going. At this time he could see the state line from there. "Don't worry, we're almost there- Ahh!" The minivan jerked forward unexpectedly, "What was- oh crap." Out of the rearview mirror, Xander could see Spike and Anya behind them, bumping the car again and again.  
  
"Oh no, what do they think they are doing?" Willow stared back at Spike, who gunned the engine when he noticed her staring, and Anya, who waved at them, and Dawn, who spun around on the top of the sidecar, still unable to flounce away. "Strangely, this isn't at all scary."  
  
Just a few feet behind the shaking former and current computer whiz/former hetero/former witch/former semblance of realism, Spike continually bumped the back of the vehicle, in a non-sexual way.  
  
"Cor, so very blimely cor!"  
  
"Go faster, Spike. We need to get them off the road, and this is taking entirely too long. Time means money, you know."  
  
"How the bloody hell does bloody bumping a bloody minivan bloody cost bloody money?" Spike growled.  
  
"Gas, repairs, emotional distress, all those cost money." Anya counted all the ways money can be involved on her fingers, and almost had an orgasm right there.  
  
"Dawn, is Dawn involved in any of this?" Dawn stopped her spinning to look at the two people available to look at her. Spike swerved sharply, and Dawn slipped and fell, almost losing her grip on the side car at all. "Watch it, Spikey! I almost fell. Dawn almost fell. Dawn! D! A! W! N!" The shiny haired girl stood up and screamed at Spike, who groaned, trying to ignore her.  
  
"Allow me," Anya told her driver, as she pat his leather-clad arm, "Dawn, you ain't real."  
  
"Nooo!" Dawn began to flounce away, "Get out, get out, get out!"  
  
"Sorry, chromosomal child. Seems you bloody well beat us to it." Spike pointed to Dawn's feet, and her eyes followed, noticing quickly that she stood in midair after flouncing away.  
  
"Oops. mommy." Dawn dropped to the ground and rolled along the concrete.  
  
"Your mother is dead! No hair-combing for her, and all," Anya called back to Dawn, whose hair reflected the sun's rays and set a nearby bush on fire.  
  
Anyway, in the minivan, Buffy bucked back and forth as her two lady friends, they being gay but Buffy not being them not being her lady friends in a gay way, were violently thrown around the automobile. "Buffy!"  
  
"What, Puff Fatty?" Buffy screeched, hate in her bloodshot eyes.  
  
"I can see the head in the mirror! You're almost there. Just let go of one of the girls so you have a catcher!"  
  
"You do it!" Buffy kicked Xander once more, forcing him to turn around to face Buffy.  
  
"Um, when I was in high school I would have done anything to- whoa! I take back all my teen fantasies!"  
  
"Even the ones about Ho-Hos?"  
  
"Hey, giving birth lady, take the insults down a notch."  
  
"I can't have the baby now!"  
  
"We're almost there!" Willow addictly exclaimed.  
  
"So's Riley's baby!" Xander yelled.  
  
"Its SPIKE'S!" The three ladies replied.  
  
"Don't worry Buffy, we're all here for you!"  
  
"Stay inside you stupid Hellspawn!" Buffy screamed at her stomach.  
  
"I don't think its listening! I can see the whole head, I can see the arms, the tummy, eww, umbilical cord-"  
  
"Xander! Focus!" Tara backboned.  
  
"Yeah, pretend it's a Cinnabun!" Willow shouted.  
  
"Don't you have some heavy breathing to do?"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"No, you shut up!"  
  
"Both of you shut up! I have a baby in me!"  
  
"Not anymore," Xander said giddily, as he held up the child, "because now you have a little baby girl outside of you."  
  
"Yay! She's beautiful," Buffy said through tears.  
  
"Awww" Tara said.  
  
"Awww," Willow repeated, after her swig from a keg of water.  
  
"I am so glad I got to be a part of this," Xander stated with a huge grin on his face.  
  
"Wait," Tara began, "So who's driving the car?"  
  
"Uh-oh." Xander turned to the front, where, up ahead, a cliff appeared.  
  
"Xander! How could you!"  
  
"I- um…" Tara climbed into the front seat, held her arm up at the elbow, and clasped hands with Xander, in a totally lesbian overtone sort of way.  
  
"We're doing this together." They all screamed as the car sailed over the cliff and faded to white.  
  
"So, is that the end of my tubby tease?" Anya questioned as she sat in the sidecar a few feet from the edge of said cliff.  
  
"Bloody don't know. But it is the end of the story."  
  
"Oh. Say goodnight Spikey."  
  
"Good bloody night, Spikey."  
  
  
  
Finis?  
  
  
  
  
  
Yes. 


End file.
